What you don’t see
To be fair I should tell you what you don’t see in the picture.
What you don’t see in all my beautiful posts from yesterday is that on Sunday, 5 April, something in my soul cracked and my 12 year old told her mother “I’ve never seen daddy cry before.”
My body was wracked by gut-wrenching, breath-stealing sobs that would not be contained.
The dam broke.
I hate covid-19.
I hate the stress of wanting to do better and feeling woefully inadequate for everything that matters because of love:
husbanding-parenting-householding-pastoring-friending-broadcasting-distancing-togethering-financing-interneting-zooming-learning-teachering-homeschooling-discipling-tracking-the-church-that-has-scattered-to-the-four-corners of the globe-goodbying-grocery-shopping-without-getting-sick-and-dying-praying-staying-healthy-securing-the-broken-in-garage-from-more-thieves-teching-wondering-about-parents-who-are-isolating-planning-producing-content-leading-comforting-mobilizing-communicating-partnering-staying-on-mission-serving-my-neighbours-without-making-them-sick-empathizing-and-i’m-supposed-to-do-something-great-in-isolation-right?-comparing-and-knowing-i’m-not-supposed-to-AND-wanting-to-be-an-expert-but-the-only-thing-i’m-an-expert-at-is-being-me-and-i’m-not-doing-that-very-well-right-now-ing.
I’m already sick of all the gurus telling me how to do this. If I get another email from a church specialist telling me or even offering how to do better… Oh wait that’s all I’m getting these days — FROM EVERYBODY! How to do better.
I’m angry about that too.
Enough.
And yet there in the midst of my deluge of grief: hugs from my family; assurances—it’s ok we are all trying; Psalm 46:1 offered by the 12 year old; and “He Will See You Through” from Rhiannon Giddens album ‘There Is No Other’ with Francesco Turrisi. (Listen to it below)
God is good
And. I’m. still. angry.